Falling off track (part 3)

Third and FINAL post about my creative block.

It has always been my habit to retreat from life when bad things happen to me. One thing I’ve recognized in myself is how I often live like a hermit and avoid human contact as I spiral into my own thoughts and bad habits (treating myself with comfort food, ignoring my self care). It is exhausting to be only with myself. And it is even more exhausting being around people while I am feeling wounded. Coupled with an underlying life-long depression, this has been hard to learn to navigate all sides of sadness.

The whole challenge with this is that I am repeating a pattern that I’ve developed and has just become habit. Not that it is comfortable, just familiar. In this recent case, I experienced a premeditated and orchestrated betrayal that was meant to challenge my emotional intelligence publicly (and I pretty much I delivered on their expectations). The bigger truth was to know the main perpetrator was my sister, who I have stood by her entire messed up life. I trusted her with our bond. She was intentional in a way that can never be erased. I was thrown off my center. And this affected these last 3 months heavily.

As the Buddhists say: pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice. I have felt ALL of the feelings. I’ve journaled, meditated, prayed, talked, cried, slept, slept, slept. I’ve wracked my brain to find just one reason she would do this - and I have only come up with the fact that whatever was bothering her she did not discuss. That is a whole other subject. My point is I know I felt the feelings, but I never have an exit plan to move ahead. Instead I not only pitched a tent in my sorrow: I built a whole subdivision!

At some point I had to ask myself just how long I will allow this situation to debilitate me? I am turning 65 at the beginning of May, and this scenario of pain and retreat does not fit any way into the joyful life I want to live. It comes back to that same ole question: how much time do I think I have? What do I choose to focus on? Is the quality of my joyful life negotiable? I sat with these questions and filled in the answers.

Bringing this full circle to my creative block, I now see the break was as necessary as finding a way out. I had to force myself into an uncomfortable exercise to get myself over the wall. And with it, came a bit of glitter! This is the final painting from the final day. I have a new-found appreciation for my pursuit of becoming the best artist I can be. Not solely in pursuit of the money it could bring. But for my own trajectory. I woke up looking forward to painting today!

Toward the end of the day on Friday I received an email asking if I would like to have a painting shown on GMA promoting an upcoming event I will have a booth in. GMA?!? I was losing my mind and my eyes were full of glitter. A clarifying email said it is not Good Morning America, but Good Morning Arizona. 😳 Still - just being asked was awesome. And, of course, HELL YES! Now to just choose one. ❤️