In Praise of Fathers!

I am sure I am not alone in this feeling: Father’s Day is a bit messy for me. My own father left when I was 7. Growing up without a dad was hard because my home needed another adult to take charge.

At the age of 16, I was very fortunate to be taken in by my “adopted family“. It was the first time I actually was living in a situation that functioned like a traditional family. My adopted father was an amazing man. He encouraged me in so many ways - to walk at a late graduation from high school, to follow my plan go to college, and walked me down the aisle when I married. He changed my life in so many ways. My mom was the driving force in the family - but that is a whole other post. I am so thankful to have had him as a role model in my life.

I desperately wanted better for my children than I had. Unfortunately, my husband and I were young and immature. Having babies will hit you over the head with the need to grow up. Instead of growing up together, we grew apart. We lived separately for many years before we divorced. But our children were always encouraged to include and celebrate their dad. Sadly, me trying to force my dream of the nuclear family didn’t work. My husband had a drinking problem, that turned into a drug problem. It was a horrible time for everyone involved. He died as a homeless person from a heart attack a month after turning 54.

A year after our divorce I started dating a man who had become a great friend. We knew each other for years before we started dating. And it was a slow process introducing my teenage children to him. But he was there for all the things - too many to list. He gave emotional support, encouragement and was part of our transformation as a family. He and I grew apart over the last 6-7 years. I still consider him family and wish things could have been different. That being said, I sent him this Bitmoji today via text and told him this: Wanted to tell you how much I appreciate the 20 years of support, encouragement and fun you gave me and the kids (I’ve known you 25, and they shared 20 of it). That is half their lives (more in Jen’s case). It wouldn’t be Father’s Day without acknowledging you. 💕 He responded that he was happy to have received this and that it made his day. I was happy to acknowledge him.

Now I watch my son and son-in-law with their young children and watch them in their roles as fathers. I see the stress and worry that comes with the role, as well as the pride and full-hearted love they have for my grandchildren. They both seem to have great marriages with supporting wives which makes the parenting slightly less overwhelming. And I see the love in the faces of my grandbabies when we see their dads walk into a room. I am so proud of each of them.

The role of a dad was defined by society & community norms, and then by television. Today, the role of a father in a child’s life is more important than ever. It comes in many forms: It can be a birth father, a grandfather, an uncle, or a caring adult who can teach young girls and boys to work hard for what you want. To be a good human being and always be kind. To not cheat, steal or lie. To know you are important. To know your value. To know you are important and you can do anything you set your mind to. Being supportive, being consistent and being present is the greatest investment a father figure can give a child, no matter the child’s age.

So, in celebration of fathers everywhere, Happy Father’s Day!

p.s.: My biological father called me at work one day 7 or 8 years ago. A year later he moved from Florida to Phoenix and I got a year and 3 months to get to know him before he passed away. That experience also changed my life in so many ways. He said to me he can’t change the past, but wanted to make my future a little better. One thing he told me was his leaving when I was 7 had absolutely nothing to do with me. If my 7 year old self could have heard that, I might have been kinder to myself over the years. I was still grateful to hear it at 57. 💕